Unconditional Love

Last night, as I was looking through my old journal, I found a section I had written on prayer. I don't even remember what I was journalling about, but this will always relate to whatever is going on in my life. I hope it's the same for someone else.

"Prayer. Someone once said, "prayer is a powerful thing." And I finally understand. It's so powerful. Through it I can speak to God. The creator of the universe will listen to me. No matter what I do. He will always listen to me. Why? Because of his unconditional love." -December 2011

Wow. Unconditional love. He sent his only son to die for me. Just let that sink in. I hear that all the time. But really think about it. His son died for me, and when I forget him and turn aside, He still seeks after me. And then finally, when I turn around and remember what He has done for me, He's right there. Just waiting for me. Ready to cast off my burden, throw it in the pit, and lead me up the narrow path. Never changing, never ceasing, always waiting, always hoping, unconditional love.

Trials

Faith does not come easy to me. Faith is hard for me to grasp. I like to know what I'm getting into. I like to have a plan. But, throughout everything, God has taught me to have faith. God gave me faith for a reason. Faith to trust in Him. And trust is what I need.

Trust in God that things will turn out for the better- no, that they already have. Faith through trials. Trust through trials. It is not an easy thing. But (slowly) I am learning that faith and trust in God will help me through these trials.

God has been faithful. He provided work in a down economy for my family. He provided a loving family for me. He provided great friends. And He provided faith. Faith that no matter what happens, He will love me. Faith that even though it may seem my world is crumbling, it's not. He is there for me. He is always wanting to bless me. He loves me. It's as simple as that. But, somehow, at the same time, it's not that simple. His love is complicated to me. He loves me, even when I don't love Him. He is happy to bless me, even when I'm not happy to bless others. His love is unconditional- mine is not. It's complicated (to me) because throughout everything, He will always love me, no matter what.

Yes, I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know one thing that will be true in the future. I know that He will be there for me. He has a plan. Someone once said that "prayer is a very powerful thing." I finally understand how powerful it is. Through prayer I can speak to God- the one and only God. No matter what I do, He will always listen to my prayers. Why? Because of His unconditional love.

And so I give thanks. Thanks that through these trials I have a Friend. Thanks that through this hard time, I have been blessed. Thanks that I have grown in my love for Him. Thanks that I have grown closer to Him. Thanks that my family- although thousands of miles apart- is now closer than ever. 

In my plan, this is not what would have happened. But, in my plan, would I have grown to love Him? Would I love my family? In my plan, there probably wouldn't be trials. But ask yourself this- how would we know what joy is, if there was never suffering? How would we know what peace is, if there wasn't chaos? His plan is the best. He has taken care of me- and I have faith that He will continue to love me through it all.

                  

James 1:12 says~ "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." 

Fear

What is fear? Is it that moment when you are suddenly scared? That moment when you see a spider, and run away, screaming? Or is it that moment when you hear a "bump" in the middle of the night? 

Fear is an interesting thing. What do you fear? Do you fear other peoples opinions? Do you fear disapproval? Do you fear... I think we would all immediately think of some worldly thing to fear. But, ask yourself one question: Do you fear the Lord?

Throughout the entire Bible, we are told to "fear your God, for He is the Lord." Psalm 115:13 says, "He will bless those who fear the Lord-- small and great alike." Fear is defined as "reverential awe." But what does it mean to fear the Lord? I, unfortunately, don't have a real answer. I know that one day, I will fully understand what it means to fear the Lord.

But here are some examples of how great God is, and why He should be feared. In Exodus, Moses goes up on Mount Sinai, into the presence of the Lord. When he comes down, God's glory was so great that Moses's face shone, and the people were afraid. In Romans, we learn that Pharaoh was solely there to show God's power, and spread His name. God is all powerful. I think we often forget that. We too quickly rush to the verses of His love and mercy. But we need to remember that He is a jealous and powerful God. He will one day judge us for all we've done. We will give an account to Him, and on that day, I believe we will truly understand what it is to "fear the Lord". When we are standing there, at the gates of heaven, we will realize how powerful He is and how insignificant we are. We will understand and regret that we did not fear the Lord in our time here on earth.

Don't get me wrong, He is merciful, loving, and forgiving. But we are clearly told to fear the Lord, and I believe that we often forget this. We think of Him as a loving Father (which He is), that we will rush up to and "bear hug". But ponder over this verse: "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder." ~James 2:19
Are we so thick that we don't realize how powerful and fear-worthy the God of the universe (who we serve) is? Just something I've been pondering over.... thoughts? 

My Testimony

This is a story about a murderer, a liar, a thief, and a sinner. This is my story. 

You know that kid, the one who's always the teacher's favorite, straight A's, and has a seemingly easy life? Yeah, that was me. My teachers loved me, my parents loved me... I was definitely a "goodie-two-shoes". 

I was born and raised by two amazing parents. They loved my siblings, me, and most importantly, the Lord. Being born into a Christian family, I knew what was right and wrong. I grew up reading the Bible, praying, and going to church. In 2nd grade, my family and I moved to another state- which meant a new town, new school, new church, new friends, and a new life. Unknown to me, God was working great things into my life. 

Second through seventh grade past. I got straight A's, excelled at volleyball, and was enjoying a carefree life. But during my eighth grade year, I realized what a huge sinner I am.

As the youngest of three, I constantly fought for attention. I wanted to be recognized. To the world, I was a quiet, peaceful girl with a Christian family, Christian friends, and a Christian church. However, to my brother and sister, I was a loud, obnoxious, selfish pre-teen who wanted her way and would do anything to get it. Like I said, God was working great things into my life.

My 8th grade year soon approached. I still attended a private classical Christian school and was living in the shadow of my older siblings. But then, my Bible teacher had my class read through the entire New Testament. September- June, we read and summarized every single chapter. This seemingly impossible task soon became one of my favorite classes I have ever taken. I was convicted of my sin and realized how much I truly, truly need a Savior. One of the most impacting verses I read all year is found in 2 Timothy 2:22, "So flee also youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 

Throughout that year, I attended a Bible study with the girls in my class. We spent an entire year on the book of Philippians. Every Wednesday we poured out our hearts to each other and devoured our Bibles. Throughout the weeks, we prayed for each other and over the year, became great friends. God was doing great things.

Then the end of 8th grade came. Finally, my sister graduated from high school. Summer came. I spent hours with my brother and sister, and really truly began to have a personal, inseparable, and godly relationship with them. They became my best friends.

Then on July 5, 2011, my dad took a job in North Dakota. He had worked as an independent contractor for years, and this was new territory. He began working for 4 weeks at a time and then coming home for one week. At first, I didn't realize quite how huge this was. But first, let me tell you about my relationship with my dad. Since I was born, he has always been there for me. And I mean always. Every single school play, soccer game, and piano recital, he was in the front row cheering me on. In kinder-prep, I can remember going to his job site and "helping" him build houses. I remember begging him to let me climb up the ladder, or sweep up the saw dust. All that to say, I have always been close to my dad. He has always been the first person I go to and a constant source of wisdom. So, you can imagine how difficult it has been with him living 1,024 miles, 16 hours and 11 minutes away. Like I said, God was working great things into my life.

Then school started. I was officially a "high schooler". My sister left for college in England (of all places), my dad still visited every 4 weeks, and my mom, brother, and I were still at home. Besides my family being apart, more troubles entered my life. My "friends" weren't there to help me, I certainly wasn't a teacher's pet anymore, and my spiritual life began to slop down...

I knew I could rely on a few people, myself included. I became very independent. I wouldn't ask for help, I wouldn't talk about my feelings, and I certainly wouldn't talk about my family. But one Person was always there for me. However, I was too thick to realize. While my parents, siblings, and friends failed, God didn't. He held true to His promise:

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:19

Without my knowledge, God prepared for me a strong mom, a caring brother, and faithful friends. I don't mean to say that my dad and sister weren't there for me, they absolutely were. But at the time, they weren't present. And this was all part of God's wonderful plan. A few weeks ago I (once again) realized my need for a Savior. I realized how much sin I had been living in and was unwilling to give up. I wanted my family to be together, and for several months, that's all I thought about. But thankfully God stopped my self-destructive nature and helped me through everything.

While I still regularly struggle, I know one thing to be true: God loves me and will always be watching out for me. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose."

I am a sinner. I am in constant need of forgiveness. I am a murderer, a liar, a thief, and a sinner. The road is rough. It is long, narrow, and easy to stray from. But I have been blessed with a gift: the mercy, grace, love, and forgiveness of the One, True God.